missionary position

On my way home from Wegman's today to buy fruit for what will undoubtedly be a fabulous fruit salad, I was stopped by two missionaries from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Mormons.

Now, they seemed friendly enough, so I stood and chatted (in the blistering sun) with them for a few minutes.

I told them I was a Baha'i (not entirely true, since the Faith doesn't technically accept homosexuality as a lifestyle...yet...but it is for the most part true).
They had absolutely no clue what the Baha'i Faith was (you'd think they'd require missionaries to be a little more informed on the world's major religions, of which the Baha'i Faith definitely is), so I informed them.
They claimed that their beliefs were similar to the Baha'i Faith (lie), and said that they'd love for me to join them at their church. (At this point, I realized they were travelling missionaries, because they had to look up the location of the church. So I decided to have a little fun with them and their not-acquainted-with-Ithacan-etiquette.)

"So, what are your teachings on homosexuality?"
(they grimaced - it seemed like they'd been asked this question before and shot down)
"Well, we know that the practices of homosexuality do happen, but..." (insert some scrambling for words here...)
"Because, well, I'm very gay, and I'm very happy being gay."
"I know from personal experience with my family that this can be a very hard time for you, and the church can help you find the right path."
"Actually, it's not hard at all. And I've found my path, thanks."
"Oh, well...will you come to the church sometime, see what it's like?"
"Probably not. I'm pretty set in being a Baha'i and being very gay and pro-choice and a feminist."
"Oh. Well, we'll just leave you this pamphlet, if that's ok."
"If you must."


They handed me a pamphlet entitled The Family: A Proclamation to the World.
It's a small little thing, with copy covering only the inside 3 panels of the pamphlet, but...wow. Doesn't take much copy to be pretty damn offensive and inflammatory.
For example:

"Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose."
"The first commandment thta God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force."
"The sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife."
"By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families..and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families."
"Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children."
And the WARNINGS:
"individuals who violate chastity" (i.e. gay people and those damn whores who fuck w/o being married -- aka most of my generation) "will one day stand accountable before God."
"the disintegration of the family" (i.e. what those damn activist judges in Mass. are doing, allowing gay people to marry) "will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets."

Number of times "marriage between a man and a woman" is mentioned: 12.






Honestly.
Denouncing homosexuality in Ithaca, one of the gay meccas of the northeastern US?
How stupid can you be?